Godmama Says…
a buncha stuff.

love letter to my old home


I woke up thinking about you today.

I seem to do that a lot when my new home isn’t fitting me comfortably. (Sometimes it feels like a good fit, other times it’s like an uncomfortable bra that I can’t wait to get out of and fling into the trash.)

Just wanted you to know that although I don’t believe we can ever be together again for good, I never stopped loving you.  You really got me, didn’t you?  You could be cold and harsh just when I needed a friend the most, but you understood me, or at least that’s what I let myself believe…. and there was something so comforting about believing that.  You knew me, and you always had a place for me.  You weren’t always kind, but you were always Home.

You fed me and inspired me and nourished parts of me that I didn’t know were hungry.  And for a while, you loved me, too.  You held me up and let me shine on you.  We were good together.   You were such a gorgeous, towering, sexy, mighty, unshakable giant… and I was proud to be Your Girl.  Then one day you were attacked by the sky itself.  When you were bruised and burning and others fled, I dug my roots in deeper.  I loved you even more and wanted to help make you well again.  Unfortunately, that particular favor would not be returned.

When my own personal towers fell, you didn’t notice or care.  If you did it was only with annoyance. “Get off me,” you seemed to say as I lay broken at your feet.   Bitch.

You changed… or maybe it was me. Maybe I grew up and saw you for what you really were to begin with.  Whatever it was, we grew apart quickly…suddenly…violently.  It broke so much more than just my heart.  I hated you for a while of course.  I hated you because I wasn’t done loving you when you threw me out.  I hated myself for not getting it right.  For not being strong enough to be Your Girl forever.  I grew out of all the anger and spite too.  The mystified romance of what I thought we had faded,  and now I just miss you from time to time.  Sometimes its a fleeting memory, sometimes it’s a full blown ache.  Times when this new place makes me feel like an uninteresting stranger…times when I am made to remember what an alien I always thought I was before I found you… those times make me miss you the most.

You are never too far from me of course. You are all over me still, like a hundred tattoos.  You have affected me for good, and I’ll take some of you with me wherever i go…and sprinkle some of your ashes on my new ground.  I know I’m better off for having gotten away when I did.  I know my future without you is bright (and healthy).  I don’t want or need to be Your Girl anymore– I am my own woman. I know I am done with you.  I know.

Just missing you today.  Just today…just right now.

And just needed to tell you that I do love you, New York.


5 Responses to “love letter to my old home”

  1. I find this moving. I feel the same way about Chicago…even though I have no money, no job…I keep hanging on in hope that at my final hour SOMETHING will come through, as I know, if I had to go back to California I would become just a lifeless shell of myself with a very long heart ache for sweet home, Chicago.

  2. nah…you wouldn’t be a shell of yourself…
    you would definitely be changed though, and that is what causes the longing.
    it’s a matter of adapting (growing up) …and i am trying to learn to do that ..
    i’m in that process…which is sometimes messy, sometimes lovely…sometimes scary…sometimes lonely…
    but it’s a process i’m grateful for.
    the only way you can learn and grow and evolve is by doing shit you’re not used to doing…right?
    we shall see… 😉

    • Didn’t realize you had responded.

      Well, I don’t wanna grow up ’cause I’m Toys ‘R’ Us kid…

      I understand what you are saying but….I wanna evolve in Chicago dammit. LOL. Everything’s so spread out in California. I don’t wanna have to have a car. Too expensive and a pain in the ass to worry about maintenance, gas prices, breakdowns, yadda, yadda. I grew up in the suburbs of L.A. but I’d be going to San Diego, which is where ma lives now and what would I do without White Castle? ….and I’m afraid with all the earthquakes it’s gonna hit Cali next and it’s gonna fall of into the ocean. I’m just amusing myself now. I’m just evolving into middle age. Daym that sucks. Just a couple more months.

      Honestly, I think it’s just a heart break that I’d have a rough and long time getting over it and I’m sure with lots of bad dreams but I guess I’d get over it eventually, maybe, not fully. I know when I came out here on a visit and never went back I started having those dreams where you were torn between two homes, going to both, in the magical instant change of scenery dream way, and was trying to decide what to do.

      As you said…we shall see….

      Oh and funny thing. ma retired when I was still working. She worked for the phone company and they were moving to Texas and asked if she wanted to go or retire. She was already relocated once to San Diego and she said hell no. Tooooooo hot for her. If she did go and I wound up leaving Chi town I’d be your neighbor….well maybe not in a real close way, Texas is a big ass state and I don’t remember exactly where in Texas it was gonna be.

  3. I’ve had similar thoughts about my hometown (also Chicago). When I’ve gone back there, it’s been like visiting a favorite elderly aunt or something. I feel…fond, but not sad when I think about it.

    Adapting to life in Texas was quite a journey…still ongoing.

  4. I know this is HELLA old but I enjoyed reading it immensely, because it’s exactly what I’ve been feeling but had no words for. I just kept saying over and over, “I feel like I’m blowing away…” Thanks for articulating it.

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