Godmama Says…
a buncha stuff.

meeting the medicine man

It is 4am.  Of all the nights to be sleepless…this is the end of my vacation time, and I actually need to be able to get up and function tomorrow.

Yesterday was heavier than I realized.  The ending day of what has been a fantastic and refreshing vacation, and also the beginning of a pretty serious healing  journey.

We went to see my new acupuncturist yesterday.  Husband and I went together for the initial consultation.  It’s pretty deep and involved, which is good, but also scary.   It snowed yesterday too.  It doesn’t do that in Austin, ever.   Snow makes everything look pretty and clean, but it can also be frightening to travel through.  It is particularly dangerous to travel through if, like half the city of Austin, you have never had to deal with it before.  Fitting.  We drove through the beginning of the winter storm to get to the wellness center where Medicine Man works.   He isn’t just an acupuncturist, he’s an herbalist and a spiritualist and a lot of other things.  He told me how just the sound of my voice over the phone let him know I was “definitely in need of cleansing”.  Gee…thanks.    He identified even the annoying little lumps on my forehead as symptoms of frustration and worry.  I found myself talking about things I haven’t brought up in a long time, and feeling resurgences of old emotions that I never meant to have in front of other people.  We discussed that my difficulty with conceiving is directly tied to the general “creative block” I have been feeling for a long time,  and how to start changing that.  West African rituals,  Chinese and Brazilian herbs, and juice fasting are on the menu.  If I’m not able to lift an X-wing fighter out of a swamp with my mind by the end of this, I’m gonna be pissed.

Exciting stuff, but also potentially harder than anything I have done in a long time.   Even the harsh spotlight of the consultation alone made parts of me feel something like a criminal being sentenced.   My husband and the Medicine Man staring sympathetically at me- the unclean patient- while I was described as blocked and impeding the way for our child to be realized.  Digging up your shit and having it analyzed is just never a good time,  but this was severe. I didn’t realize until about 3:30am when I woke up crying just how judged I felt.  It was just a feeling, I know.  Being diagnosed isn’t quite the same as being judged, but when you’re splaying your soul out for that kind of deeply personal scrutiny to see what’s wrong with you, it sure feels that way.   Particularly when it’s your soul and spirit being diagnosed, and not your body.   If I thought going to the gynecologist was difficult and invasive,  this is a whole new way to be pried open and peered into.  This is the kind of guy who can even read your aura,  and knowing that made me wish I could hide it.  (By the way, wanting to hide your own aura creates the strange sensation that the air around you is burning…the opposite of what you were going for.)   It’s what I wanted, because I know this kind of healing is what is more real, but it was hard as hell to take.  Some of the time when Medicine Man was talking to me and about me I felt the back of my neck getting hot, like it does when I need to fight.  Even his positive comments made me defensive.   In my state of self protection, hearing the phrase  “You have so much untapped potential”  reminded me of the high school guidance counselor saying “…If only you would just apply yourself!”  (Flashback:  “Apply myself?! What am I, eye shadow?!”)

Step one is admitting you have a problem, and I can do that.  Funny thing is how hearing someone agree with what you just admitted can make you wanna kick their ass.

I will get past this initial defensiveness, I’m  just taking notes of my own progress starting here at the “Oh SHIT” level.  I’m strong enough for this.  I am tough enough to stop needing to be so tough.   And for the times when I feel like I’m not, Husband has my back like a steel beam, of that I am sure.

Onward and upward, then…with a purpose.


2 Responses to “meeting the medicine man”

  1. All understandable and valid reactions. It is critical now to take some time to balance out the focus on ‘what’s wrong’ with you and bring to equally bright lights and scrutiny, all the things ‘so right’ with you. Seriously. If you’d like we can talk about a little process you could use. XOXO

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