Godmama Says…
a buncha stuff.

pre-term contractions

A songwriting technique I used (when I used to write songs) was to write to myself  whatever it was that I needed to hear.   I need to hear some things now.  But before I write my positive empowering love letter to me,  I need to vent some negative shit.  Yesterday I went to see a movie called Babies with my friend who just had a baby during babyday at a local theater.   Talk about immersion therapy.  I thought I handled it well, but this morning I woke up crying and pissed.   This whole period  of waiting for my body and spirit and the stars and whatever else to align properly  is so much more completely frustrating that it is humanly  possible to describe.  It is something like a full body heartbreak each month that things don’t “click”.  And it’s not something that a person can share easily without being bombarded with well intentioned bullshit like “Be patient! It will happen in it’s own time!  Just relax! Relaxing and not thinking about it is the key!  Try having a little faith you negative minded asshole!   By the way, don’t you think you should look into IVF?  I mean,  HOW old are you again??”     Yeah, don’t think about it, but do get up every morning and take your temperature and write it down with all your symptoms, and then take about 15 different herbal supplements- each the size of a horse pill,   and make sure you have green tea twice a day,   and also get stuck full of needles twice a week and tell the nice acupuncturist what a bad person you are for eating anything other than organic greens and not meditating enough (and no I’m not doing yoga yet, kind sir,  CUZ I’M GIVING ALL MY  MONEY TO YOU).   Do ALL OF THAT, but somehow simultaneously RELAX AND DON’T THINK ABOUT IT!

Meanwhile, apparently something about me smells maternal to the rest of the world, as the number of grown adults in my life who behave like children and then need me to wipe their asses for them has increased exponentially in recent weeks.

I suppose in one way this hissy fit I am letting myself throw is a use of the law of attraction.  I am BEING the thing I want to have:  a big fat baby.

And now on to my love letter to me.

Dear Maya,

Just wanted to let you know how much I admire your courage right now.   I know you lived a good part of your life onstage, but I also know that this particular spotlight that you are in now is a lonely scary place.    You have always been such a life force,   but when you need to waver or be weak, people can get frustrated that you aren’t who they need you to be.   People push their expectations onto you and demand more of your light….   draining instead of refueling you.  The attempt to bring another light into the world altogether can go from joyful to depressing when it becomes a struggle, and the expectations and impatience of others is no help.  You are an artist seeking to perform the ultimate act of creativity, but experiencing temporary creative block of the worst kind.   You are a 37 year old woman trying to conceive your first child after almost losing your womb altogether.  What’s not to fret about?  If it wasn’t important to you it wouldn’t hurt sometimes.  You want.

I give you permission to be weak sometimes.   You are so strong  so much more often than people notice, and you deserve to let the clouds come.   I give you permission to occasionally kick and cry and be frustrated that you’re not getting what you deserve more than anyone ever has.  And the next time somebody says this unbelievably common phrase to you : “So?? How’s the babymaking coming along??”  I give you permission to punch them square in their insensitive fucking face.

Hell, I’ve seen people throw bigger fits because they can’t get a printer to work right!   But you’re not supposed to get upset about THIS?  EVER?

This is journey may be longer than expected but you will be rewarded.  More than you know, in more ways than you know.   This era of frustration, this darkest just before dawn moment, is all part of it.  Think of it as the very earliest stages of Labor Pains…and I dare someone to tell you that THOSE pains aren’t valid when THEY come! Be weak if you need to…you’re strong enough even for that.


8 Responses to “pre-term contractions”

  1. Dear Maya,
    Listen to what Maya is telling you. She’s a smart lady and she knows you better than the “relax” folks or the “it’ll happen when it’s meant to” people. It’s okay to be frustrated with the process and to get bitchy. This is a huge thing you are trying to manifest and only you know the best way to get you there.

    ps: Fun activity: count how many times I used the word “you”.

  2. What Laura said. And hugs to you.

  3. thanks ladies. this was an excessive tantrum of course.
    there is lots of advice, attention, and interest, and none of it is “bullshit” , i know.
    i just needed to explode.

  4. I’ve written mini versions of letters to myself but not as deep as yours. All the things in your post about what people say in response to your situation are so common. I often think people are not creative enough to say the right words or they are insenstive.
    Maya, you are beautiful and kind and I hope all will be well for you you in the near future. You have and are doing all you can. That’s all I can say…

  5. I forgot to mention this. Recently, when I picked up my estrogen pills, the pharmacist asked what I needed them for (she’s kinda my friend). When I told her for fertility, she suggested a few positions that could help me conceive. I pretended I was hearing the advice for the first time and said, “Okay, I’ll try them.”
    I had good laugh with my husband when I told him.

  6. I read your post again and really liked it, especially where you give yourself permission.

  7. Thanks again, Victoria.
    I should probably read it again myself every once in a while.
    It’s easy to forget how much you can be your own ally sometimes.

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