Godmama Says…
a buncha stuff.

shooting for the moon

Hurry hurry hurry!  Step right up and play the  game!  Hit the spinning target and win the prize!  Everyone’s a winner!  Everybody gets a prize!

Round and round,  and up and up,  the target appears again.   Same time,  same place.  Clear as night it rises into position and waits for me to reach it.  It’s huge,  full,  and impossible to miss.   Everyone in line who has gone before me has hit the target easily,  over and over, without even trying.  I’ve been planning and practicing and wanting that prize for longer than I remember,  so this won’t take long.   I pull my arrow back hard in my bow and release… and wait… and wait… and miss.   No sweat… just nerves.   Just warming up.    I carefully pick out just the right arrow and pull it back in the bow with expert steadiness, releasing with focus and purpose.   Miss.    Shit.    Next time around I pull my arrow back gently and release… and wait… and wait… and ….win?   No.   Another miss.   Better luck next time!  Back to the end of the line now.  Your turn is over.  NEXT!

While I wait for my turn to come up again  I study and plan, and get into shape for the next try.   I was too uptight.  Or maybe not uptight enough?   Don’t think about it… just wait in line and enjoy the game.  That prize was made for me.   It’s a fun game… I don’t mind.

I’m up again.  I got it this time.   I’ve been in this line so many times I am a pro by now.  I have explained to the people in front of me how to hit the target and my advice has helped them to win.   It’s my turn now.  It’s my turn to win.   With a deep breath I pull back on my arrow again and close my eyes.  Just let it happen… the arrow flies high and strong… and misses.   SHIT!    Okay… no big deal.    Maybe more to the left… or the right… maybe higher?  Yes… higher this time.   I release,  and watch as it falls again.  Target missed.   Just be cool.  This is just a game.   A simple game at the fair.   Fairs are fun!  Look how much fun everyone else is having with their prizes!

I lay my bow and arrows out on the ground in the light of day and examine them.  They are older than some, sure,  but they are in good working order.  Nothing is broken, and where once there was damage there are smooth repairs.  Repairs that have made them stronger!  Bionic!  Everything has been polished and conditioned and blessed and tested.   These things work.   They work together.   They work well.  They are designed to hit that target,  and I was designed to play this game!   I have studied and practiced this sport.   I have taught it to others.   I know how to do this.  Once I release my arrow, however,  I have no control over what happens with the wind and the weather between the earth and the moon.    All I can do is look up and wait… and shoot… and shoot… and shoot….  I so desperately want to win that fucking prize.   All around me people are playing the same game and winning.  Younger, older, same age… less experienced… doesn’t seem to matter.  They just pick up a bow an arrow for fun and hit the target on the first or second try.   Over and Over and Over.  Some keep playing the game in hopes of getting a better prize.   Some people don’t even want their prizes!  They throw them away or let them go bad from lack of care!   There are so many prizes being given out.  Several at a time.  All around me.   ALL around me.

Okay… just play a different game for a while, pretend not to want it.  Come back later when no one is watching.   But everyone is watching!  Everyone keeps asking me why I haven’t won the prize yet!    It’s none of their business, but i think they call it cheering me on.  They want to see me win so now they are all gathered around staring and waiting and pointing and watching me shoot and miss.   There’s lots of advice being chattered into my head as I try to focus.   “You’re thinking about it too much! You’re trying too hard!  No- You need to try harder!  There’s not much time!  Don’t you see the clock?  Tick tick tick!  Hurry!  No- Slow down!  You can do it!  Just relax!  RELAAAAX!  Hurry up and relax!  Look at the size of that moon!  How can you miss THAT? Go! Go! GO!”

No!  STOP STOP STOP!  Shhhhhhhh…. Let me concentrate….  Here comes the target again…. same time,  same place… I’m calm… I believe in it… Shut out all the others and just take your prize!  I deserve this more than anyone else ever has.   My bow is strong and my arrows are sharp… dipped in gold, even!   This is mine.   I focus,  I pull back,  I release.  My arrow flies straight and fast and true.  I wait.   I pray.  I hope.

I miss.

The crowd sighs and groans  (the sound may be sympathetic but all I hear is the pathetic bit).  The target retreats again… until next time.   Time?  Hmmph.   I’m slowly running out of tickets for this game.   I need to win something… soon.

But for now the moon is waning.   The sky is dark.  I’m back in line.   It’s just a game.

I like games.


7 Responses to “shooting for the moon”

  1. This post expresses just how I feel and what I’ve been through. Thanks.

  2. Well, I’m glad i hit *that* target at least 😉 ~
    thanks for the appreciation, and thanks for sharing your journey too ~~

  3. I’m sorry. Thinking of you with love.

  4. What a great post! I love this analogy! I sure do hope you get that prize soon!

  5. I love your writing so very very much.
    You so deserve to win.

  6. It hurts so much, doesn’t it? There seems to be no sense in this at all, but I’ll keep on trying with you and I’ll cheer you on…

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