Godmama Says…
a buncha stuff.

in need of a hitchhiker’s guide…

Dépaysement is one of those words that doesn’t have a direct English translation.  I dig words like that.  It’s a French word whose quick definition is “disorientation”, but the more elegant definition I just learned is this: “The unsteady feeling you get when you are away from your home country.”

That could be a positive thing of course, i.e.  the exhilaration of discovery and expanding your own boundaries;   but the look and texture of the word gives me a different feeling… something a little darker maybe, like a condition.  “Malaise” comes to mind.  Something that sits just at the back of your stomach and your psyche waiting to be stirred into a full-blown sickness, but it isn’t quite yet.   Or that feeling you get just before you get the flu,  when nothing is really wrong yet… you just don’t feel right.  Something is missing.  Something important.  Something you don’t have a word for.

I find myself spending a lot of time trying to explain myself to people here in my new ‘hometown’.  I set up my back story in order to make a little sense of myself for people.  Sometimes I feel like I should print out pamphlets with a quick outline of “How I Got Here” so as not be be quite so confusing.  That need to constantly explain myself to newcomers to the Maya Show is alright generally, but sometimes it makes me lonely as hell.  Sometimes it makes me feel like an alien.  Sometimes you just want people to see you and know exactly who you are.

Maybe the problem is less where I live and more how I am living.  I am at an foreign place in my own storyline,  and so of course it flusters me when people ask questions like “So, what’s your story?”  (It’s disturbing how much people in Austin love asking that question.)   I have no idea what is next for me.   I know what  I want and where I want to be, but I have no sense of where I am or how to get there.  I seem to have lost my map.  I used to have that map.  Hell, I used to BE the map!  And now I am like a befuddled tourist who got of the train at the wrong stop, lost her passport, doesn’t speak the language or know the customs,  and is trying to find the embassy.

Oh, all this is just a long winded way of saying how much I miss New York City sometimes.  I love my mate and my new home, but sometimes when I am feeling lost and uneasy about which way is up,  I really, really miss New York City.  It’s like how when you fall and get a boo-boo it makes you really, really miss your mama.  You certainly don’t want to go live with her again,  but in that moment you long for the kind of magic connection that made things automatically right.

Dépaysement.  Good word.

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3 Responses to “in need of a hitchhiker’s guide…”

  1. This post reminds me a lot of how much I long to be home too. The foreign feelings and foreigness of every where you go and the people you meet. I told my partner about missing home… and we’ve decided to take a trip soon.

    When ever you go to New York, let me know. If you don’t mind, maybe we could meet. I’m only two hours away and I have in-laws there.

  2. You’ll figure it out Maya, just give it time and keep your soul open to signs from the cosmos. It might even be something you aren’t expecting, but for sure it will be interesting. In the meantime, that is an awesome new word!


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