Godmama Says…
a buncha stuff.

stardust

I think I’m handling things as well as can be expected, but probably not as well as I publicly let on.   Fake it til you make it, right?  Sometimes I let myself forget… and then sometimes I forget to forget.  That’s when people ask me things like “What’s wrong?” and remind me that  I need to “Stay positive!”  It’s very important for the people around me to know I’m getting “better”, and surely I am… so as much as I can,  I show my “better” face.   This is a lot of work,  but I imagine it’s also a lot of work for others to deal with my grief all the time, so I try not to crack til I get time alone.  I haven’t had much of that yet… and unfortunately a crucial part of the whole “closure” process has been drawn out for a cruel amount of time….

Did you know that it can take up to 3 weeks for the paperwork to be filed so a cremation can even take place?  No– I hope you never need to know that directly,  because every part of it sucks evil ass.  My brain and heart are exhausted and confused by the whole ordeal,  and that tired confusion actually facilitates periods of  peace.   Well, not necessarily peace as much as low-grade alzheimer’s.   It seems that when you can’t figure something out, eventually you just stop thinking about it and that part of your brain shuts off completely.    This leaves big gaps in my reality,  so I space out a lot.   I call them brainholes, and they are pretty easy to fall into.  Sometimes brainholes can be dark and scary,  but mostly they are just safe, cozy voids.  I stare off into nothing and try to remember what exactly took place in the last 3 weeks or even 6 months of my life.  I’ve noticed that sometimes I don’t recognize things like streets I drive down every other day.   People talk to me and I just smile, nod and chuckle, hoping that works okay as a response to whatever they just said.  I used to do that when I was bartending and I couldn’t hear what people were saying to me over the loud music.  Now I do it whenever people ask questions that seem too complicated to answer,  like “How are you?”

This morning we went to pick up the ashes.  It’s a fucked up and bizarre way to spend your morning, and I was still groggy from a night of fucked up and confusing dreams,  so I didn’t have the energy or clarity to fall apart like I expected myself to.  The director of the funeral home placed a dark blue velvet bag in front of us on the table next to some more paperwork to sign, and all I felt was blank…with maybe a side of irritation.  The lights in that place were obnoxiously fluorescent in a way that always puts me in a funky mood, so I decided that was why I was angry.  Stupid fucking lights.   I stayed mad about the lighting in that stupid funeral home… and the woman who greeted us had hair that kind of pissed me off too.  While we waited for her to return to our waiting room with a tiny bag of ashes,   I noticed that next to me on the wall there was a photograph of the three owners who the place was named after… I hated that stupid fucking photo so so so very much.   But when we were causally presented with the little blue bag,  all I felt was blank.  Floating safely in and out of my brainholes,  I felt no attachment to that blue velvet bag.   I didn’t feel my heart break all over again as I cradled it delicately in my lap on the car ride home.  It may have happened, but I didn’t feel it.  I even didn’t notice right away that I was reflexively caressing it gently and rocking slightly, as I glared hatefully at  the rain through the car window.  Stupid fucking rain.  Wait, what street is this?  I’ve never seen this street before….

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3 Responses to “stardust”

  1. I felt your gloom today…thought of you as I looked out the window. Another inexplicable passage…the feelings never seem to line up with the physical events in times like these…they always sneak up on you later. Faking or not, i see the whole being of Maya is still there, intact, just being buffeted by the cruelties of life right now. Just be.

  2. Thinking of you, all the time.

  3. I hear you… Always– there is a place in my heart that connects with yours. Thanks for sharing.


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