Godmama Says…
a buncha stuff.

the ghost of christmas past

It’s been a year now.
This time last year my 2nd heart stopped beating and I lost the deepest love of my life.  My son Orion was born “still” on the 15th of December 2011.  No reason…perfectly healthy mother and child, he just got wrapped in his cord and I lost him.  Doc’s official diagnosis was “bad luck”.
I knew something was wrong for a while, but I kept being told (by everyone -including my NURSE) not to worry so much.
On the 14th I went to the doctor and got the most horrible news I’ll ever hear.  They sent me to the hospital and the next day he was… born?  It doesn’t even make sense to use that word… none of it makes any fucking sense.

So a year  has passed,  the anniversary is rolling toward me like storm clouds, and I’ve been trying to find a way to write about how I’m feeling right now.  I’ve been trying to find clever or interesting ways to describe this part of the journey, or come up with some profound message or lesson learned to share in words. There are none. This shit just sucks. It hurts and hurts and that’s all.

I have found ways to cope with having to be normal for people.  I have been inspired to grow and heal.   As I have written and talked about endlessly,  I have found much needed strength, motivation, and reprieve from depression at the dojo (Elite Martial Arts of South Austin to be precise) learning mixed martial arts with an amazing group of people.   Exhilarating, exhausting, exciting,  exactly what I need.
But for the past week I haven’t been able to go to classes at all,  and just that quickly I can feel all the unhealed ruptures in my heart burning like new injury.  You don’t realize how dependent you are on a thing until you can’t get to it.  Separation from the dojo is my Kryptonite.

And meanwhile, it’s Christmastime.
I used to love the holiday season.  Glitter and twinkle lights and surprises are kinda my thing.  But this year every single thing about the holidays is a trigger that brings on nightmarish flashbacks.
For one thing, I work retail and we listen to Christmas music- all day, every day.  Christmas songs are all either lullabies about the birth of a special baby boy, or they are blues songs with lines like “I want my baby back for Christmas.”  Either way they are torture.  The song “Silent Night” alone is like a rusty ax through my chest every goddamn time it plays.
I’ve been trying to get “in the spirit” by doing things for other people… trying to stay busy and energized at the dojo… but just right now, just this week, everything just sucks.

I miss him.  There’s no other way to say it.  People close to me ask me “what’s wrong” sometimes and seem genuinely surprised when I mention I’m still grieving.   Hard.   That was my son.   My baby.
Yes we will “just try again”.  But people need to understand that I miss him.

I’m the only one who knew him really.  To everyone else he was a concept.  A happy idea that people were looking forward to but now it’s time to move on and simply replace it with another happy idea.   To me he was very real.  To me, he was all the fire and hope and creative energy I have ever experienced literally personified into a living boy who danced when I danced,  jumped and kicked when I was angry or anxious, and wiggled when I laughed.  He was my other heart.  My other soul.
Two weeks before finding out I was pregnant, I had a dream about him. I saw his gorgeous face and we laughed together, and I fell in love then.   Which is why, after more than 3 years of trying, I wasn’t surprised when I found out he was there. I knew the whole time it was a boy and what his name was.   I knew him with every cell of my self  and I loved him fiercely  in some ancient mystical way that I didn’t think was humanly possible.
Hearing his heartbeat and seeing him dance around on the ultrasound screen was something that brought me endless joy.  Seeing him after  he was “born” is something that will  never stop breaking my heart.
That’s all.  I just needed to mark this occasion, validate my own sadness, and get some of this silent ache off my chest.  No inspiring ending this time, maybe next…

I love you always, Orion.  You will never be forgotten, and I’ll get you that black belt I promised you very soon.
See you in the stars.
Til then,   Sleep in heavenly peace.

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4 Responses to “the ghost of christmas past”

  1. I’m so sorry. Love you.

  2. oh mama… I’m hugging you and him. Thank you for sharing.

  3. “To everyone else he was a concept. A happy idea that people were looking forward to but now it’s time to move on and simply replace it with another happy idea. To me he was very real.”

    Not true. He was very real to me. I was so happy as if he were mine too.

    I don’t know what else to say. Everyday makes our “struggle” much harder.

    Love

  4. Maya, i’m finally reading you. After all this time. Love you.


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