Godmama Says…
a buncha stuff.


My son’s name was Orion.

For a while now, I have had the idea in my head that I’d get a tattoo of that constellation.  When I started on my martial arts journey I figured out a more detailed plan:  The stars of the constellation in the tattoo would be left hollow, and as I moved upward through the belt  system I would get one star colored in the same color as my new belt.   The final colors for my final belt ( the black one) would be the stars that make up *Orion’s belt*.

It’s fitting that the two things should be paired.   The strength I have found to cope with the immense break in my heart has come from the strength I am finding in myself through my borderline obsessive training at Elite.  (Did I say “borderline”?)   I honestly cannot say enough how amazed I am with the transformation taking place in my life right now.   There’s the physical aspect which is the most obvious to other people:  I’ve lost 30 pounds and I have just enough visible muscle tone to make me feel like a secret superhero sometimes.   But it is so very much deeper than that…

Losing weight is fantastic.  Feeling good about my body is great.   Learning how to kick ass on command is fucking awesome.  But the fact that I am beginning to actually and sincerely feel good about being alive is the thing that feels completely miraculous.
When Orion died  part of me died with him, and  I don’t just mean that metaphorically.   There is a very strong link between a mother and her newborn child, particularly this mother and that child.    After he was born I needed with my whole heart and soul and mind to be exactly wherever the fuck he was…
and he was dead.
It’s not that I wanted to die- I wasn’t suicidal,  I just wanted to be with my son more than I had ever wanted anything in my life.   I’ve never had the courage to admit that before, but it’s part of my truth- and now I can say it’s part of my past.
That child will always be a part of me-  spiritually, emotionally, and  physically on the deep down cellular level.    I am now committed to living at full power.  I am committed to becoming stronger and stronger than I ever thought I could be.  Little by little, step by step, effort by sweaty heart-pounding effort, I am getting my power back and then some.
My own personal resurrection.

Which brings us back to the tattoo:
I’m about to get my 3rd belt next week and the tattoo idea was itching to come to life.  I started looking up images of constellation tattoos and frankly all the ones I saw looked weird and crappy.  I needed to figure out a meaningful  image that would bring the design together as something solid.
One sleepless night it came to me.   When you turn the constellation Orion on its side (which is how he appears in the sky in this part of the world anyway)  it becomes a butterfly:

The butterfly, of course, is a symbol of all the right things in this context:  transcending death, resurrection, metamorphosis…and now my Starchild in the sky.
I worked with an incredible soul and amazing artist by the name of Bart Willis (owner of Southside Tattoos)  and we came up with just about the coolest butterfly image I know of.   The design is embedded with the stars of the constellation, which will be colored in White, Yellow, Orange*, Green, Blue, Purple, Brown, Red, and Black…one by one over the next few years.

Here, then, is what the back of my right calf looks like as of today.
*The white, yellow, and  orange stars are already colored in, but this photo was taken before they were done.  They are they three tiny starlets to the right of the image, which would make up the “head” of Orion if the butterfly wasn’t there.
And just below the butterfly?  That is the logo of my beloved life-saving dojo, Elite Martial Arts.

And I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to kick much higher with that leg now, seeing as how it’s got wings on it and all…


419875_10152599145200623_1482335228_n*Tattoo photos by Adam Glick



5 Responses to “metamorphosis”

  1. You are AMAZING and I love you! The tattoo is beautiful ….can’t wait to see it’s progression and the final Star ❤

  2. You and your warrior heart slay me. That’s all i can say.

    O and the tattoo is beautiful.

  3. So beautiful! You are an inspiration.

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