Godmama Says…
a buncha stuff.

birthday

April 2:
If things had gone right, today would be my son’s first birthday.

Very recently I was upset about  something related to his death and I was told I needed to “just let it go”.  I was told that I need to move on so that my emotions don’t define me and keep me tied to the past.   The problem with that probably well-intended but totally insensitive command is that Orion is not part of my past.  A child is a part of his mother permanently, and figuring out how to manage that fact when my child is gone is my very present struggle.    When I gave birth, I became a mother.   Mothers don’t let go- they cradle, embrace, and carry.  The fact that he didn’t survive doesn’t change that fact, it just makes it an incredibly painful fact.    Over time (and honestly, there hasn’t been very much of it)  I have begun to rebuild myself and I am indeed rising from the ashes of that tragedy.  I am learning to transcend the damage and transform into something new.  I am becoming stronger, I am becoming a fighter, but I am still a mother.  My newfound strength is in part a tribute to the life I created and lost, and I will honor him not by wallowing in the sadness of the past but by allowing myself to remain exactly who I am in the present and  letting my very real emotions swell up and pass through me like storm clouds on occasion;  by enduring and conquering the arduous process of recovery one step at a time; and  by knowing for certain that even though I still ache I am stronger now than I ever imagined I could be.
For the love of my child and for the love of myself I will honor and allow that process whether or not anyone else understands it.
And I will never, ever “just let it go”.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Starchild.

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3 Responses to “birthday”

  1. Maya,
    So many emotions are swelling inside and roiling in my heart and soul–I cannot find a way to respond to your words. Your starchild passed through you cradled by your being, a creature of love. Happy Birthday, Orion.

  2. You are the testament. It stuns me how beautifully & lucidly you write about unimaginable ( to me ) loss & transformation.

  3. you right


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