Godmama Says…
a buncha stuff.

cold feet

My 4th Spartan Race is coming up in just two days.  Hard to believe it all started this year.  2013 has been a pretty big year in Mayaland.  4 Spartan Races, awesome new job,  blue belt,  school, and suddenly the beginning of a hot new affair with film making? Sure, why not.
Every once in a while someone uses the word “inspiring” to describe my obsessive need to stay occupied in dramatic ways,  but the funny thing is that anything I do is only a reflection of how inspired I am by everyone else around me.  What’s more,  most of what I do is actually based not in any kind of unusual amount of strength, but in my need to deal with my own fear.

I am not a superhero,  I am a big crybaby scaredy cat.  Maybe (in fact: of course) that’s why I need to “play” a superhero in this film I’m making.  Fake it til you make it, right?
Even at the dojo,  Sensei once told me that he saw a lot of fear in my face when I’m sparring.   I hated hearing that– HATED it–  but I am becoming aware of what he meant.  It’s not all the time, and I do know I’m getting better about it, but I specifically have a problem dealing with head strikes.  When someone throws a punch or kick at your head,  a skilled fighter will slip that strike or otherwise avoid it and counter with their own attack.  My tendency is to flinch and turn away with my eyes closed.  *Wrong!*  “Never turn your back! Never take your eyes off your opponent!”  That is exactly when and why I get hit.  Every time.  Giving in to my own fear hands my opponent a big shining opportunity to take me down.  I’m working on it, but it’s there- more than I’ve ever cared to admit til just now.

The same is true with Spartan Races.  I am obsessed with doing them it’s true,  but here’s the thing:  I am scared shitless before every single one of them… and then I cry like a blubbering idiot after they’re done.  It is the epitome of uncool, y’all.
You’d think that the more of them I do the easier it would be to face the challenge,  but with each one a new set of doubts crops up to nag at my brain and the fear-demons in my head keep me up at night telling me all the reasons I should back out.

I almost did back out of this one  (It’s gonna be so cold!  My rib is still sore!  My cat shouldn’t be left alone all weekend!), but because of the date of the race it’s impossible to forget my reason for doing crazy crap like this in the first place.
The Glen Rose Spartan Beast is Saturday, December 14th.
December 14th of 2011 was the date that I went to the doctor to see why the little hyperactive love of my life in my belly hadn’t been kicking around as much.  They checked me into the maternity ward that afternoon, and he was stillborn the next morning.
I do all this stuff because of Orion Xavier Jamil Glick: my greatest love and the massive hole in my heart that never leaves my mind…
and because of all my stupid little fears.
We shared a body and blood and cell structure and spirit and lifeforce, that little boy and me.  So if all that’s left of him is me, then I will shine as bright as I possibly can for as long as I can and the one heart I have left will beat as strong as it can.

The fears can keep coming and picking at me like mosquitoes, and I will keep facing up to them and swatting them down.  I may still turn my head and wince at the first strike,  but I am still standing and fighting.   Even if I’m a little scared. The trick is taking fear and twisting it into something like excitement… and I’m finally getting really excited about this weekend.

-Edit:  I wrote this blog, and then immediately found this on the Spartan Race facebook page:
spartan

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