Godmama Says…
a buncha stuff.

RAIN

mamamaya

I have a vivid memory of what the weather was like exactly three years ago.  It was just like it is today.
On December 14th, 2011, it was grey and drizzly all day long.  As the day went on it started to rain in earnest, and it didn’t stop for days and days.

The 14th was the day I was checked into the maternity ward at Seton Hospital to deliver my son.
It wasn’t how the day was supposed to go.  I was supposed to go see a movie with a co-worker…  something light hearted about a boy who lived inside a clock, which I thought was appropriate since I had a boy living inside my clock.   I never saw the movie.   What was meant to be a quick trip to the doctor’s office beforehand turned into the beginning of a descent into hell.

Mid-December and the maternity ward was a cheery, happy place.  Sparkling lights and colorful trees and people singing happy birthday and holiday carols all at once to their new little miracles.  So many Christmas songs are about a mother and child and a magic star.  Funny how quickly I grew to despise them all.

heart

footprints and stardust in a heart shaped box

Orion Xavier Jamil Glick was born still on the morning of Thursday December 15.

By the time I left the hospital a couple days later- empty arms, empty belly, and with a dark cold storm beginning to rage in the hole where my heart had been torn out- it was raining.

It rained and rained and rained.
I remember thinking how fitting it was that the sky wept so pitifully right along with me as we drove home from the hospital.  I felt a kinship with that sorry skywater.   Granted:  it’s winter in Texas, so it rains a lot.  But that rain was mine.  That rain was for me and Orion.  That rain was for my boy.

I have always loved the rain,  and I love that it’s so rainy today.  This, too, is my rain.
It’s like the sky paying tribute to the powerful grief I still quietly carry.  When the anniversary of a birth is not at all a “happy birthday” but you still want to honor the day somehow… nothing better than quiet and rain.
Sometimes I feel the new strength I have developed for myself with the unending support of my beautiful husband Adam, the hard work I have put into rebuilding myself at Elite Martial Arts, and the love of so many understanding friends;  and other times… like the sky,  I just go dark and let the water fall as hard as it can.
Sometimes the clouds that patch up the massive wounds inside me crack open and the storm comes.   Later, the heavens will clear up and pay a more fitting tribute as the brightest constellation in the heavens spells his name across the night sky,  and the part of me that still needs to believe in something like heaven will reach out to touch him somehow.

Later still,  I will give birth to another great creation:  and it is no accident that it happens to be called RAIN.  Written for, inspired by and even secretly named in tribute to my greatest love and my deepest heartache.
Rain always passes.  Skies always clear.  I will grow stronger and live whatever life I have left as powerfully as I can in his name and my own….
But a mother never forgets.

Sleep in heavenly peace, my beloved starchild.

*A drawing I did the week after he was born  (top),  and a painting I did a year later (bottom).  A little less than another year later, I wrote a script…

born   bornagain

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2 Responses to “RAIN”

  1. Thought about you today.

    The memories are sometimes painful.

  2. It’s years later. And I wish for you a continuing storm of water washing your grief – not away – but to healing light. Blessings on your journey.


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